Pancake Wars
by 229442486847
Summary: What happens when two bored authors get into a fight? Fish oil and prozec are being shot around, that's what happens! A total crack story; co-written mainly with 9shadowcat9 and also other people; contains randomness and weird convos between me and others
1. Pancake Wars

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters. Both belongs to Arakawa Hiromu.

I don't own D.G-M or any of its characters. Both belongs to Hoshino Katsura.

I also don't own The Master, since he's a character from 'The Room', a story written by 9shadowcat9. I do own Jackson though, because I created him.

So many disclaimers… XP

Warning: This chapter contains slight gore, coarse language and randomness.

* * *

–** Pancake Wars –**

So here's the deal: One day two fanfiction authors got bored. They talked about random stuff like drinking blood, pancake mix_ (A/N: You ain't got no pancake mix, so stop laughing! DX) _and boring ADD therapists. At some point, one of the authors (Author 1) threatened the other (Author 2) to throw useless ADD pills, if the other didn't give out the pancake mix. Author 2 refused and instead offered useless prozac pills. Author 1 (me) then got angry and made the threat true by starting to throw useless pills at Author 2 (9shadowcat9):

**Benze**: *throws useless ADD pills at Shadow* Take that!

**Shadow**: #dodges and loads extra-strong prozac into specially designed rifle# RETURN FIRE! #Rat-a-tat-tat#

**Benze**: *loads canon stolen from circus with fish oil* (Yes, the ADD therapist I went to made me drink that stuff, yuk!) FIRE!

**Shadow**: #hides in bunker built to withstand fish oil (i.e. = school) and laughs# DODGE! #holds up plate of pancakes and eats them _very_ slowly#

**Benze**: Hah, is hiding all you can do? Ed, get here now! *pulls-Ed-out-of-TAoB* _(A/N: =The Art of Breaking, a story written by MsBenzedrine; Advertising My Own Story WIN! XD)_ Transmutate something!

**Ed**: O-Okay, just don't look at me like that. *transmutates huge impregnable fortress*

**Benze**: That's it! Now fire at that school! She's hiding there and eating pancakes, while laughing at us!... She called you small, Ed!

**Ed**: Who are you calling so small he could have a germ as a pet? *shoots-speers-from-floor*

**Shadow**: Epic fail! It's 'spears'! I win through better spelling! :3 And no I didn't. The Master did!

**The Master**: #appears out of nowhere# Hah?

**Shadow**: She kidnapped your star players!

**The Master**: And?

**Shadow**: … She said Noah's blood tasted disgusting? And I have pancakes!

**The Master**: #cane turns into a bazuka# Oh, really? #destroys spikes and traps MsBenzedrine in The Room then happily drinks blood# I don't like pancakes.

**Benze**: *hops out of worm hole with Key-chan* _(A/N: My keyboard; _**1**_)_ I got my Key-chan back! Now I'm invincible! Fuck spelling!

**Key-chan**: *holds-up-sign* _We're going to beat the shit out of her! _*shoots electrified letters* _Take that!_ ... *laughs evilly* Cat-chan~!

**Jackson**: *lets huge plants grow out of the ground that trap Shadow* Yeah, take that!

**Key-chan**: *switches signs* _Aren't you supposed to be dead, Jackson?_

**Benze + Jackson**: …

**Key-chan**: *switches signs again* _He is dead, right?_

**Benze + Jackson**: …

**Key-chan**: …

**Shadow**: Where'd the wormhole come from? #frees herself from plants easily#

**The Master**: I dunno... #drinks blood then steals blood from MsBenzedrine and walks over to Ed# Want some? #holds up bottle of Noah's blood# _(A/N: Noah is also a character from 'The Room' ;D)_

**Shadow**: ... #OO'#

**Jackson**: #killed by Envy#

**Key-chan**: *holds up sign* _What a lazy ass. She isn't doing anything at all and lets everyone else fight!_ *shoots encoded files at Shadow and The Master*

**Benze**: Yuk, what a creep! How dare you drink my blood? *kicks The Master in balls… _hard_* Mac-tan! _(A/N: My MacBook; _**2**_)_

**Mac-tan**: On my way! *creates new character* Let me introduce 'The Ruler'!

**The Ruler**: I'm not 'The Ruler'! I'm 'The Potentate', you stupid MacBook!

**Benze**: Fine by me. Just kick their ass, now! *kicks The Master in balls again… _REALLY hard_*

**The Potentate**: Okay, okay. *erazes The Master with super-human powers from battle field* Where's that Nekko-chan hiding? Ah, there you are! *stomps-towards Shadow and grabs her* What're you're going to do next?

**The Master**: IT WAS NOAH'S BLOOD I DRANK! D:

**Shadow**: #watching# This is actually kinda funny. #still eating pancakes then kicks The Potentate in the balls, before ripping off his head with her bare hands and sticking his head on a spike. # Was I doing something? #kicks dead body while eating more pancakes.# o^^o #shoves a forkful of pancakes into Ed's mouth.# Yayz!

**The Potentate**: *new head grows* Did she tickle me? *goes over to The Master, grabs into his stomach and pulls out guts* I always wondered how these look like… *puts guts back in again, then shoves hand into mouth and rips tongue out* I always thought these were longer. *rips eyeballs out*

**Benze**: Go, Potentate! Go! *noms on popcorn*

**Mac-tan**: I guess we're done here, ne, Key-chan?

**Key-chan**: *beeps*

**Shadow**: #incinerates the bak– jerk… yeah.# Quick FYI: Those flames burn for all eternity. Can we just call this a draw? I've had pancakes on the table for half an hour. If you wanted them, then all you would have had to do was ask...

**Envy**: #eats pancakes#

**Shadow**: THOSE WERE THE PEACE OFFERINGS! D=

**Envy**: #pauses# Trade pancakes for Chibi-chan. =D

**Shadow**: #twitches#

**Benze**: Mac-tan!

**Mac-tan**: *creates new character* May I introduce to you 'The Destroyer of Time'!

**Benze**: Hey, that's how Allen Walker is called!

**Mac-tan**: Didn't have a better idea…

**Allen**: Uhhh… I'm supposed to fight the Earl and the Noah, so can we make this quick, please?

**Benze**: Sure. You're allowed to go as soon as that homunculus is brought down.

**Allen**: Fine. *activates Innocence* Here we go! *traps Envy in cape webs* Gottcha.

**Benze**: *munches on chocolate* Kweep 'im down, Awen!

**Key-chan**: *beeps*

**Allen**: *slices Envy with exorcist sword* Have your soul freed, pitiful akuma!

**Envy**: I'm not a demon, you lunatic freak! *gets sliced into pieces by webs and… dies… I guess*

**Benze**: Now that everyone's eliminated: I accept the piece offering! Oh wait, I can see the pancakes, though they're lying on the ground and are being covered by the leftovers of Envy! ;P And don't worry, I've got an Ed of my own already XD

* * *

Yeah… we really did have a conversation like this and I thought it was worth uploading.

**1**+**2**: Key-chan, a.k.a. my trusty keyboard, and Mac-tan, a.k.a. my MacBook, are imaginary characters I created for no real reason (I have a sadistic Plot Bunny called Mr. Benz that appears in another Fandom). I got seperated from them for a while, because my charger burned up on me and I had to wait for a new one. Somewhere during my 'fight' with 9shadowcat9 I got my new charger and they both returned to me :D.

Benze ;P


	2. The Joys of Silencing Bunnies

I don't own Death Note or any of its characters. Both belongs to Obata Takeshi.

I also don't own The Master, since he's a character from 'The Room', a story written by 9shadowcat9.

Warning: This chapter contains slight gore, coarse language and randomness. If you're a Twilight fan then don't read this. This is not intended to offend anybody, even though it might seem like it.

* * *

Chapter II  
– The Joys of Silencing Bunnies –

Here's the deal: Shadow and I got bored… again. Somewhere during our anti-boredom-conversation we came to mention Twilight:

**Shadow**: Ick, Twilight. Shoot it dead.

**Benze**: Ugh, Twilight XP. *buys gun… illegally* Sooooo, where's Twilight?

**Shadow**: #holds up torch# Near the library. Let us burn it! #walks off into a random direction#

**Benze**: Here it goes again… *swings around pitchfork* Then we'll slice through those books! *walks off into another direction*

**Shadow**: #finds Twilight shop first and throws torch in# Bye, bye~!

**Benze**: *follows after Shadow and throws molotov cocktails into store* Take that!

**Shadow**: #takes numerous photo's and beheads a life-size-cardboard-cutout of Edward.#

**Benze**: *dances around burning bulding* Oh, what a joyful day! Burn Twilight, burn! You shall fall to ashes and be swept away by hateful winds!

**Shadow**: I found the ultimate Twilight fanbook! #grins# What do I do with it?

**Benze**: *examines fanbook* Wanna have a part too! *rips book in halfes and gives Shadow one half* You can do whatever you want with your half, I'm going to feed mine to the other Twilight haters. *runs off to people from 'The Anti-Twilight Movement* Sharing is fun, fun, FUN!

**Shadow**: #burns book slowly in front of the fans# £30 for this crap? Go find a good book! #fans sulk away somewhere (as if I care)#

**Benze**: Mwahahahahah! *gets trolled by crazy Twilight bunny fans* Get a life you vampire freaks! *shoots random horror movies at fans*

**Shadow**: #watches while eating popcorn# We should just stick them into 'The Room' for the rest of their lives. - -'

**Benze**: But it's so much fun messing with bunny fangirls! *throws popcorn at angry mop wearing plastic fangs*

**Shadow**: #summons The Master#

**The Master**: Not again.

**Shadow**: #holds up two bottles of Noah's blood.#

**The Master**: #sends half the mob to hell– I mean… 'The Room' then snatches bottles# Don't summon me! I'm busy raping Edw– I mean... drinking wine...

**Shadow**: Blood.

**The Master**: W/E G2h.

**Benze**: Now there's still the other half of them left… Sharing is fun, fun, FUN! *rips off each head of the left over bunny fangirls while laughing madly* That should do it.

**Shadow**: #smirks# Glad you had fun. Let's blow up that Twilight shop across the street! #points at mega shopping mall#

**Benze**: Yay! Can I rip off some more bunny fangirl heads? *holds up already blood-covered hands* Mega Shopping Mall! Mr. Benz!

**Mr. Benz**: Leave me alone, I'm busy messing with the brain of this mouse.

**Benze**: You can mess with some Twilight bunnies~

**Mr. Benz**: Bunnies? Where?

**Benze**: In that mall over there.

**Mr. Benz**: *runs off to destroy mall while laughing like the mad sadist he is*

**The Master**: Still not helping!

**Shadow**: T_T #summons Misa _(A/N: from here on Death Note characters will appear)_# Light ordered you to kill the fangirls and then youself so you can live in heaven together.

**Misa**: Okay! #skips off#

**Shadow**: Idiot…

**Mr. Benz**: *comes running back humming while mall crumbles in background*

**Benze**: Uhhh… you should take a shower, you're red all over.

**Mr. Benz**: Oh, but I like the feel of fresh blood on my fur *grins*

**Benze**: O-Okay, just don't get my brain dirty with it, my hands are already covered in this stuff. Yuk, bunny fangirl blood is so sticky!

**Shadow**: #sitting on top of rubble eating pancakes.# Hmmm… This needs something…

**The Master**: Blood syrup?

**Shadow**: No… It needs…

**L**: Chocolate cake mixed with jellybeans and rock candy!

**Shadow**: Does that even exist?

**L**: #holds up described cake# It does now!

**Mr. Benz**: I agree with The Master. What's better than pancakes with blood syrup?

**Benze**: Yeeaah, right. Let's just ignore the lunatic bunny, popping out of my over-creative mind.

**Mr. Benz**: Hey!

**The Master**: #gives the psychotic bunny the blood syrup# Have fun!

**Shadow**: #now asleep on random blood-soaked bench#

**Mr. Benz**: Nom, nom, nom! *slurps on blood syrup*

**Benze**: Uhhhh… Thanks, I guess. *runs off to finally wash off bunny blood from hands*

**Shadow**: #covered in blood as she snores#

**The Master**: Hmmm… #takes a sip from a fangirl's blood# Aaaaah! Poison! #runs screaming to the safety of 'The Room'# More poison!

**Mr. Benz**: Shouldn't we wake her up? I can't hold back any longer, if Shadow keeps laying there, smelling like blood.

**Benze**: But it's bunny blood! That's disgusting! Have at least some sense for quality like The Master!

**Mr. Benz**: I don't care about quality! I want blood!

**Benze**: You would put anything into your fanged mouth that nearly tastes like blood, ne?

**Mr. Benz**: Pretty much, yeah. Jeez, I'm the the sadistic, anti-social, evil, blood-lusting Plot Bunny you created yourself. Don't be so accusing!

**Benze**: At least your not biting me anymore.

**Mr. Benz**: Don't wanna be hunted down by Anie-san's sick puppy again.

**Benze**: Angsthase…

**Shadow**: #falls off bench# Agh!

**The Master**: #back again# Aaah, the joys of mouth wash. #sees Shadow on floor staring at sky# Meh. #takes a bottle of Shadow's blood before leaving#

**Shadow**: #woozy# I see bunnies… Heh, heh…

**Mr. Benz**: Bloooood~

**Benze: **Ask The Master for blood, if your in such dire need.

**Mr. Benz**: I don't ask for blood nicely! I'm an evil, fanged Plot Bunny, remember? When I need blood, I go get it myself!

**Benze**: Fine, then die of blood loss, I don't care. I still have Mac-tan and Key-chan after all.

**Mr. Benz**: Traitor. *mutters curses and runs off to kill more bunny fangirls*

**Shadow:** Huh? Oh sure… #hands over a bottle of The Master's blood#

**The Master**: How'd you get that?

**Shadow**: Dared when you were drunk. - -'

**Mr. Benz**: *runs off with bottle of blood and drags Benze away from 'crime scene'*

**Benze**: Hey, I wanna stay and kill off more bunny fangirls!

**Mr. Benz**: I don't care! You need to write more before you go to damn Prague!

**Benze**: That's on Monday!

**Mr. Benz**: I said I don't care!

**Shadow**: #follows Benze lazilly# I say we throw a party in the mourning of L. _(A/N: L died somewhere mid-way, so don't wonder)_

**Light**: Mwahahaha! Now I am GOD!

**Shadow**: Shut up! #shoots Light# I hate that son of a bitch.

* * *

Yes, yes, authoresses become slaughtering lunatics when bored… right? Hey, wait, no one from FMA appeared in this one! DD:

No offense against Twilight or its fans, people! This is just a joke! (A really bad one, I know.) I'm not that much of a Twilight-hater! If I met a Twilight-fan, then I wouldn't just go and… kill him. I've been a fan of the books too, but I just don't like how it's being hyped about now. I feel pity for those actors being followed so much and I'm not saying that all Twilight fans are like that!

Benze ;P


	3. About Bugs And Thunders

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters. Both belongs to Arakawa Hiromu.

I don't own Death Note or any of its characters. Both belongs to Obha Takeshi.

Warning: This chapter contains slight randomness.

* * *

Chapter III  
– About Bugs And Thunder –

Not much to say. Shadow and I got bored again…

**Benze**: Ew, there's some weird bug flying around in my room! *runs off to hit bug to death* So relieving~

**Shadow**: Dude! You killed Envy's friend's cousin's mother's auntie's roommate! D:

**Envy**: #shrugs# I have Chibi-chan. #drags Ed into random hotel#

**Shadow**: #sweatdrop#

**Benze: **I don't hold a grudge against bugs. If neccessary I even carry spiders away, so no one kills them. Some bugs just look creepy… Schnaken *shivers* I hate those the most. They look like dead bugs, hovering around.

**Mr. Benz**: Can I torture and then eat them?

**Benze**: Go ahead, but I don't think you'll be full, after eating them.

**Mr. Benz**: Nah, we'll see.

**Shadow**: #hiding from spiders# OO' I hate spiders! #uses L _(A/N: more Death Note characters, people!) _as a meat shield# I'll give you cake later.

**L**: Wah?

**Mr. Benz**: Can I haz spiders?

**Benze**: Uhh… sure. But stop googling LOLcats. It's creepy…

**Shadow**: Take the ####ing spiders away! D: _–arachnophobia-_

**Benze**: Hehe. *laughs like an evil maniac and throws spiders at Shadow*

**Mr. Benz**: I wanted to torture those!

**Benze**: *stops movements and glares at Plot Bunny*

**Mr. Benz**: Throw them as much as you want!

**Shadow**: #runs screaming and shoots flamethrower everywhere# Die, die, die, die, die, die, die!

**Benze**: *rolls on floor laughing* Spiders are amazing! Just like thunders! We once had to wait for a bus while in Czech and it suddenly started thundering and raining. The girls screamed and crouched down to protect themselves, while I stood there and laughed my ass off XD.

**Mr. Benz**: You laugh a lot when people get scared shitless… Hey! Shadow almost burned my fluffy tail off!

**Benze**: Yes, yes. And you would grow a new tail anyway.

**Mr. Benz**: True. I'm a freak.

**Shadow**: I hate spiders... T_T I like thunder though. Why are people so scared of it? ^^?

**Benze**: Some spiders are cute. They're just animals after all.

**Mr. Benz**: Then why do you kill mosquitoes, but keep spiders in your room?

**Benze**: Mosquitos are noisy, annoying and they cause stupid gnat bites. I don't keep spiders in my room! I just don't kill off the spider, living in one corner at the ceiling, so it eats the mosquitoes whenever there are any. Spidy is my friend!

**Mr. Benz**: Oookaaay.

**Shadow**: Spiders are creepy, same as mosquitoes. DX Hate.

**Mr. Benz**: I hate these Glücksbärchies. Ugh, they're creeping me out with their weird… happiness and… tummy symbols or belly badges, whatever.

**Benze**: Care bears?

**Mr. Benz**: Yeah, those.

**Benze**: You still remember the series I watched as a child?

**Mr. Benz**: *shivers* Oh, yes, I do.

**Benze**: Then you hold all the memories I've displaced after… what happened?

**Mr. Benz**: …

**Benze**: Oookay. Depressing topic. Back to our first topic. Uh, spiders was it?

**Shadow**: Carebears are scary... and I didn't even watch them! D: NostalgiaCritic did a review on them. Find him on youtube! XD

**Benze**: Oooh, gotta watch the critic sometime ;D. _(A/N: I did watch the critic and it's hilarious XD)_

**Shadow**: He's funny if you have the right sense of humour. He has his own site.

**Mr. Benz**: Why do people make critics anyway? Do they have too much free time, or what?

**Benze**: Dunno, ask 'em. *throws tarantula on Shadow's head* Huh… it's making a net on her head. *giggles* Oooh, Germany is beating Argentinia's ass! 0:3 for us, baby!

**Shadow**: #kills Tarantula with hammer giving herself a concussion then falls on floor… dead#

**Mr. Benz**: You killed her.

**Benze**: I didn't hit her with the hammer! She did it herself!

**Mr. Benz**: You're the cause for her hitting herself.

**Benze**: I din't actively kill her!

**Mr. Benz**: Yes, you did it passively.

**Benze**: Jeez, you're such a smart aleck sometimes.

**Mr. Benz**: I know. *runs off to torture crazy German football fans cheering for winning 0:4 against Argentinia*

**Shadow**: #still dead# (call an ambulance!)

**Benze**: Amulan? Ambunce? Ambulang? 'M tired. Running around in Prague is so exhausting. Should I call a German one, or an English one? I guess an English one would be most reasonable. Now what's the British emergency telephone number? *faints from exhaustion… again*

**Mr. Benz**:: Uh… Um… Uhg, now I'll have to carry her.

**Shadow**: #dead# (On second thought: Call the mourge XP)

**Benze**: Meh, I guess she really died. Normally I would go all "Nooooo, don't die on me now!" Too damn tired. Mac-tan?

**Mac-tan**: *creates wonder healer* Here ya go.

**Wonder Healer**: *brings Shadow back to life*

**Benze**: Thanks. *faints again*

**Shadow**: Damn it! I was _finally _dead!

**Shadow's Mom**: #glares#

**Shadow**: Crap…

**Benze**: Sorry… I guess. Family members can be cruel and annoying sometimes.

**Mr. Benz**: I wonder how that is.

**Benze**: I'm somewhat your mother, you know.

**Mr. Benz**: Hell no!

– _after a small pause –_

**Shadow**: I want a snake, but no one will let me get one :(. Or a hamster. Hamsters are cute.

**Benze**: So you're afraid of spiders, but would like to have a snake? Twisted much?

**Shadow**: Snake's are cute! I love them. o^^o Spiders are damn creepy. D:

**Benze**: Yeah, snakes are kick-ass. But spiders can be too *throws random tarantula at wall* Spider VS. Wall, who will win?

**Wall**: #falls on spider and squashes it#

**Shadow**: #beats up body with a mallet# Die, die, die!

**Benze**: *huffs* That wasn't supposed to happen. Mac-tan!

**Mac-tan**: *creates mutant spider taller than tallest mountain in the world*

**Benze**: Uhuh. Now that thing's huge. *laughs evilly*

**Mutant Spider**: *roars like Godzilla*

**Shadow**: #runs screaming like fuck# Save me, Envy!

**Envy**: No fucking way! #runs with Shadow#

**Mr. Benz**: So this Envy-guy is a pussy after all.

**Benze**: Well… not in my imagination.

**Mr. Benz**: Yeah, in your imagination Ed, Alphonse, Envy, Mustang, Allen, Lavi, Shinichi, Kaito, Miharu, Yoite, Oz, Gil, L and Light have huge orgy parties every night.

**Benze**: Hey!

**Shadow**: #freezes# Why are you running, Envy?

**Envy**: I'm not immortal, bitch!

**Shadow**: #hits floor making giant spike kill spider# What. Did you. _Call me? _#thunder in background#

**Envy**: OO'

**Benze**: *sucking on Lollipop _(A/N: Don't get any weird thoughts, you perverts) _while sitting on chair watching Shadow and Envy run* Hmm…

**Mr. Benz**: *drinking blood out of a cup from WcDonald's* Meeeh…

**Benze**: Pfleeeh… Wanna go pack for Greece?

**Mr. Benz**: Yeah.

* * *

I get bored when I don't write, okay! And I can't write all day, you know!


	4. Time Is Cheating!

No disclaimers today…

Warning: This chapter contains randomness.

* * *

Chapter IV  
– Time Is Cheating! –

Here's the deal: Today I had a conversation with Ginshi-chan on YIM. I'm in Greece, but we don't have wifi in our room yet, so I have to got to either the pool or the lobby to have internet. This is what happened when my MB started to run out of energy:

**msbenzedrine**: meeeeeeh! my MB is about to run out of energy and i don't have wifi in my room! DXX so i'll need to load the battery for two hours and then come back D:

**ginshi4**: Okay! I'll be here!

**msbenzedrine**: *tackles you* eight minutes left…

**ginshi4**: Run! Benze run!

**msbenzedrine**: it's too fast, i can't escape!

**ginshi4**: Ahhh!

**msbenzedrine**: 0:07

**ginshi4**: *throws slipper*

**Time**: *eats slipper*

**ginshi4**: No! Mr. Benz corrupted it!

**msbenzedrine**: Stupid time!

**Time**: *burps*

**Mr. Benz**: *comes around blood covered… as always* Wah?

**ginshi4**: *throws Chichi*

**Mr. Benz**: What's a fucking 'Chichi'?

**ginshi4**: Chichi is my attack Chihuahua. (it's actually true xD)

**msbenzedrine**: Oh… Mac-tan!

**Mac-tan**: I'm no match to Time!

**ginshi4**: *bricks it* _(A/N: Time, you know)_

**Time**: *eats bricks and burps*

**msbenzedrine**: 0:04 _–ten seconds later– _0:03… You're cheating, Time!

**ginshi4**: Did it eat Chichi already? (I hope not!)

**Time**: *eyes chichi*

**Chichi**: graaaawl

**Time**: *roars like godzilla*

**msbenzedrine**: 0:02

**Chichi**: yooowl!

**ginshi4**: *cloud of dust appears*

**msbenzedrine**: 0:01!

**ginshi4**: *stampeeding is heard with other howl*

**Time**: *looks at cloud then tilts head* _(A/N: Wait what? Time doesn't have a head… right?)_

**ginshi4**: Chichi called the cavalry!

_msbenzedrine has left the conversation_

– _two hours later –_

**msbenzedrine:** I'm back! Cavalry, yayz!

**ginshi4**: hiya~ I said cavalry cause when Chichi barks Sandy comes and stands at her shoulder like she's waiting for the comand to go xD Did it work? Did time go away?

**msbenzedrine**: i guess Time has gone off to bother global warming again… who's Sandy?

**ginshi4**: My golden retriever

**msbenzedrine**: lolz XD

* * *

Yeah… I don't have anything to add to this…

Benze ;P


	5. The Torturing of a Police Officer

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters. Both belongs to Arakawa Hiromu.

I don't own Death Note or any of its characters. Both belongs to Obha Takeshi.

Warning: This chapter contains randomness, coarse language, violence and implied rape and smex ;D

* * *

Chapter V  
– The Torturing of a Police Officer –

Today's deal: Greek wind is annoying. Howling and piping the whole time like some stray dog with a flute:

**Benze**: Fucking greek wind! Stop bothering me! D-:

**Shadow**: XD Boo wind! #chases it with broom only to fall into random pool# Aaaagh! Water! It burns! _(A/N: It's hot in England, you know…)_

**Benze**: *catches wind in a bag and makes Windbeutel* Hah! Now what're you goin' to do? Huh? *slams Windbeutel to ground and stomps on it*

**Shadow**: #drowning# It burns! #water comes up to neck#

**Benze**: Uh… um… What should I do? *panics* Um… *runs off to get help*

**Shadow**: #drowning… drowning… then saved by Matsuda _(A/N: More Death Note characters, yayz! XD)_#

**Matsuda**: Are you alright?

**Shadow**: #*_* pulls out rope# Benze… wanna kidnap Matsuda with me? Him here mean's L is most likely here too.

**Matsuda**: OO'

**Benze**: *appears with gigantic vacuum cleaner* Dammit! Now that I've got something to help. Uhh… kidnap Matsuda? Sure.

**Matsuda**: #runs screaming#

**Shadow**: Get him, Black Hayate!

**Hayate**: #chases Matsuda while barking#

**Matsuda**: *bitten in butt by Hawkeye's dog* Argh!

**Benze**: Don't bite it off! He still needs it!

**Shadow**: Yeah, how else is he meant to have hot smex?

**Matsuda**: OO' #turns to Benze# Help?

**Shadow**: #grins evilly holding up rope#

**Benze**: *laughs evilly holding up gag* Now to the fun part. *smirks*

**Mr Benz**: Can I humpz him?

**Benze**: Umm…

**Shadow**: XD

**L**: #eats cake watching#

**Matsuda**: Help meeee!

**L**: No.

**Shadow**: Dude, evil.

**Benze**: Hehe. *gags Matsuda and bounds him to pole* We'll have so much fun with you as soon as Envy arrives. He might torture and kill you, if he decides you're not worthy the same 'treatment' as Ed.

**Matsuda**: Hmne hep meh!

**L**: Hmm… no.

**Shadow**: XD

**Envy**: #appears eating ice-cream# I'm doing what now?

**Shadow**: Raping Matsuda. :3

**Envy**: Sorry, I have Chibi-san.

**Shadow**: Threesome?

**Envy**: Hmm… sounds interesting. Chibi-chan~

**Ed**: What, you fucking palm tree?

**Envy**: Wanna be the middle of the sandwich?

**Ed**: What are talking abou– *blushes* I–I…

**Envy**: Hell yeah, you want! *drags Ed away to bounded Matsuda*

**Matsuda**: Hm dum ahna, hm dum ahna! Hep meheh!

**Shadow**: I'm a voyuer! #pulls out video tape and follows smiling# You coming, L?

**L**: Meh, I got Light.

**Shadow**: Okay.

**Ed**: I don't know if I should do this. He looks so helpless.

**Matsuda**: *nodding frantically* Hmmh!

**Envy**: Come on!

**Ed**: Ah well. *zips open pants*

**Matsuda**: *shakes head frantically* Mmhmm!

**Shadow**: #taping while grinning madly# Hm? Damn, late for work. #hands camera to Benze# Gotta go! See ya! #runs off after taking photos# :P

**Envy**: #continues actions#

**Benze**: Ooh, I'm a hobby photographer. *holds up camera* Ed, could you move a little to the left? You're covering Matsuda a little too much. And Envy, don't put so much force into it, or else the pole will break.

**Ed**: I still think this is a bad idea.

**Envy**: *laughs evilly* I think it's fun. Look. –censored–

**Ed**: *moans like some horny hooker* Do that again!

**Matsuda**: Het he huck oh uff meh! I duh whaha!

– _censored due to this supposed to stay T-rated –_

**Shadow**: #returns with ice cream# What'd I miss?

**Envy**: What's the ice-cream for?

**Shadow**: Lunch

**Envy**: Hand it over! I got a better use for it!

**Shadow**: O/O

**Benze**: Ah well, not much. Ed and Envy had a threesome with Matsuda. Matsuda was on the bottom, Ed in the middle and Envy on top :D. Here's the tape! *turns on TV*

**Matsuda**: If his tohrtuh eha gohing ho en?

**Benze**: No, it's not.

**Envy**: *licks ice-cream from Ed's stomach and –censored– _(A/N: Hey, something to say against some fun? It's censored for a reason, okay!)_*

**Shadow**: Matsuda must be feeling ignored.

**Matsuda**: OO' Mo!

**Envy**: #evil grin# *smirks and coats Matsuda's **** in ice-cream* Chibi-chan! Dessert!

**Ed**: *grins happily and licks Matsuda's **** clean* Mmmh…

**Benze**: Go on, guys! This tape will be more popular than any smex-tape ever made!

**Shadow**: This convo is now getting weird...

**Matsuda**: #hopeful appearence#

**Shadow**: We need two camera's to get more action! XD #pulls out new camera#

**Benze**: *puts up spotlights* Hmm… Ed! Put some more effort into it! Matsuda is about to relax again!

**Ed**: Can we just finish this? Armstrong said he was going to visit.

**Armstrong**: Hello, Edward Elric! #sparkles and flexes muscles#

**Envy**: Dammit.

**Armstrong**: *sparkles and sees everyone smexing* Young teens, enjoying themselves! What better is there in the world? *eyes tied up Matsuda* His ties seem loose. Let me make them more safe with a technique that has been passed down in my family for centuries! *makes ties much tighter and safer then sparkles a bit more*

**Matsuda**: Muuuuuuuuuuuh!

**Shadow**: XD Nice.

**Armstrong**: #flexes muscles#

**Shadow**: Now to more smex!

**Envy**: What she said. Come over here, Chibi-chan. I'll show you a technique I learned a little while ago! #hides whip#

**Ed**: Why don't you do it on Matsuda first? ^^'

**Envy**: #evil grin#

**Matsuda**: *gets whipped* Muh! Muh! Muh! Muhuhu!

**Ed**: Do it harder! He's still not bleeding.

**Armstrong**: Let me show you a whipping-technique that has been passed down in my family for–

**Envy**: Shut up and watch, muscle-head!

**Matsuda**: #faints#

**Shadow**: Weak.

**Envy**: Let's stab him then #### the corpse!

**Ed**: Do that and I'm leaving you.

**Envy**: But… Fine. Let's leave him tied to the pole, naked!

**Ed**: We can't just leave him here.

**Envy**: Why not? He fainted anyway. What use do we still have of him?

**Ed**: Just leaving him here naked would be cruel and unethical.

**Envy**: Chibi-chan… we just ***** and ****** him into the pole. Wasn't that cruel and unethical too?

**Ed**: Well… that… was–

**Armstrong**: I have an idea! Let me show you the technique of letting people mysteriously disappear that has been passed down in my family for at least–

**Envy**: Just do it, muscle-head!

**Matsuda**: #sent to the Bahamas#

**Ed**: Why did he go there?

**Envy**: I want to go! Send me!

**Armstrong**: #performs technique sending himself to the Bahamas leaving Ed and Envy alone#

**Shadow**: XD

**Envy**: Why do all the ******* go to Bahamas? Why won't anyone take me with them?

**Ed**: Envy…

**Envy**: What? Tell me why?

**Ed**: You're an evil, sadistic, ruthless and lewd homunculus.

**Envy**: And?

**Ed**: …

**Shadow**: Plus I'm the one that sent Armstrong there! I even have plane tickets for myself! :) #holds up two tickets: one for herself and one for Benze#

**Envy**: ¬¬ #holds up knife#

**Shadow**: Crap. Run! #runs shielding tickets#

**Ed**: - -'

**Benze**: Yayz, we're going to Bahamas! *sees Envy* Oh shit! Um… Mac-tan?

**Mac-tan**: I'm sick of this creep! *pulls character out of TAoB* Mustang! Kill that fucking bastard!

**Mustang**: I'm glad to. *snaps and repeatedly burns Envy to ashes* Revenge! That's for being a creepy asshole!

**Ed**: Aren't you mad at him for killing Hughes?

**Mustang**: O.O Of course…

**Ed**: … Nooo! Envy! Ah well, I'm going home.

**Mustang**: Hold it.

**Ed**: #ignores#

**Mustang**: This is now officially over! Let me have fun with Ed! *grabs Ed and drags him into dark cabin*

**Ed**: Hey! Don't I have a say in– *silenced by Mustang's **** in his mouth*

**Benze**: Uhh… And they lived happily ever after… The End? Now we'll go to Bahamas! Ne, Shadow? :D

**Shadow**: Lets! #points at plane# We're in first class!

**Benze**: Yayz! for Shadow! *hugs Shadow*

* * *

What to say, what to say? Uuuum… Palm tree!

Oh, and thanks to **Ginshi-chan** for giving me that link :D. Great story XD.

Benze ;P


	6. Is It Possible To Bribe a Plot Bunny?

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters. Both belongs to Arakawa Hiromu.

Warning: This chapter contains randomness.

* * *

Chapter VI  
– Is It Possible To Bribe a Plot Bunny? –

Here's the deal: Well… it started out with food.

**Benze**: I just had bacon and a pancake today! Grrrrr! Coke, coke, coke…

**Shadow**: I know the feeling. T_T I want a can of coke. Pancake! :D #holds up bazuka# Give me ze pancake.

**Benze**: *goes to refrigerator (which isn't cold at all) and picks up coke* What? Am I supposed to do something more random? Oh, okay. *grabs torture instruments from under the bed* Gives me di coke, or I'll torment you by letting you listen to this Tokio Hotel CD! Mwahahahah! Prepare to die! *common sense and logical thinking kick in* Wait, who are we threatening? And where the hell did this crap-shit CD come from? *throws away CD as if burned then stomps on it*

**Mr. Benz**: Go off and write. You barely managed 500 words today. No wonder you're all fuzzy.

**Benze**: *eye twitches* I'm not fuzzy! I'm damn pissed at mom and sis ranting all the time!

**Mr. Benz**: Okay, okay. *lazily eats carrot*

**Benze**: *fuming*

**Shadow**: Tokio Hotal! #fangirl scream# … #cough, cough# Nooo! Ah well, to the Skillet! #points at truck of carrots# I'll give you them if you leave Benze alone.

**Benze**: *burns CD and throws ashes into tupper-box then sells it to crazy women making a tupper-party* Hehe…

**Mr. Benz**: Carrots against stopping to torture slavey? Hell no! *pokes Benze*

**Benze**: Don't bite me, okay? I'll let you torture some more Twilight bunnies if you behave.

**Mr. Benz**: Hmm… fine.

**Shadow**: I have twilight bunnies as a peace offering. ^^ #points at crate#

**Mr. Benz**: I won't trade my slavey against anything in this world. She's much too precious to me.

**Benze**: So cheesy… you really mean it?

**Mr. Benz**: Who else would write out our ideas?

**Benze**: Wow, you can actually be nice.

**Mr. Benz**: I'm existing within your imagination, you know.

**Shadow**: Yes, that poor CD. ;_; The bunnies were a peace offering so you didn't kill me. Fine. #begins to remove bunnies#

**Mr. Benz**: Just know: I won't sale slavey to some poor bribes.

**Benze**: Don't be rude!

**Mr. Benz**: I'm not rude!

**Benze**: Okay, for your conditions it wasn't, but for mine it was.

**Mr. Benz**: Che. Esclava estúpida

**Benze**: Benz! Stop cursing in foreign languages!

**Mr. Benz**: Zitto, cretino!

**Benze**: Shut up yourself!

**Mr. Benz**: Geh und schreib einfach, Hohlkopf!

**Benze**: Dir ist schon klar, dass Deutsch meine Muttersprache ist, oder?

**Mr. Benz**: Être foutu!

**Shadow**: I wasn't bribing you! I just wanted to give you the twilight bunnies!

**Benze**: Told you he's rude.

**Mr. Benz**: She was bribing me! Don't try to blandish it!

**Benze**: Benz! You're like a child that can't keep its mouth shut!

**Mr. Benz**: Nyt tiedät miten lapsesi kerran tulee!

**Benze**: They won't be anything like you!

**Mr. Benz**: Ná déan iarracht Aoldath na fíricí!

**Benze**: That's not true! I liked you better when you were just biting me.

**Mr. Benz**: Nie narzekaj!

**Shadow**: How's it a bribe when I expect nothing? :3

**Mr. Benz**: You expect me to leave Benze-chan alone.

**Benze**: Just drop it.

**Mr. Benz**: Eu não vou!

**Benze**: Jeez…

**Shadow**: Fine, the twilight bunnies are mine. - -'

**Mr. Benz**: Fitore për lepur komplot!

**Benze**: Can't you talk normal with us anymore and just leave it? You cursed and ranted in at least nine different languages.

**Mr. Benz**: Maaari mong dalhin ang aking karot, ngunit hindi kailanman ang aking labis na pagpapahirap instrumento!

**Benze**: Tagalog? You serious?

**Shadow**: Seriously, what is he saying? D= I'm not multilingual!

**Benze**: I think what he just said was 'Victory for the Plot Bunny'. Don't know what language though, I forgot :P. Then he said something in Tagalog: 'You can take my carrots, but never my torture instruments' I think. Everything before that was stuff I can't remember anyway, so ah well.

**Mr. Benz**: Oletko että huonomuistinen?

**Benze**: Dude seriously, stop! I mean, Finnish? And I'm not forgetful! Caput vacans! Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! You see? I can play this game too! And Shadow, don't ask what I said, you don't wanna know.

**Shadow**: You are aware... never mind. Baka Usagi.

**Mr. Benz**: Kisama, who are you calling a stupid rabbit, yatsume!

**Benze**: *whacks bunny* That's enough! *tapes fanged bunny's mouth shut*

**Mr. Benz**: *lets tape mysteriously disappear* Temae! Nani shiyoru no, konoyarou?

**Benze**: *whacks rabbit again* Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules! And WTF? Iyo dialect? You serious?

**Mr. Benz**: *backs away from fuming girl* I get, I get it. I'll stop.

**Shadow**: XD

**Benze**: If you don't behave then I'll let Mac-tan create your biggest nightmare.

**Mr. Benz**: You wouldn't do that!

**Benze**: Flames-thrower.

**Mr. Benz**: Neeeeeeeee! Jak mohou lidé psát tak krutý věci o příběh? DDDDX

**Benze**: Benz! I do understand Czech now a little, you know! I'll let Mac-tan shoot Flames by really mean reviewers at you!

**Mr. Benz**: Mehehehe! No, don't do that please! I stop, okay. *hugs Benze around waist*

**Benze**: Okay… Wouldn't have thought he's that scared of receiving flames.

**Shadow**: Poor bunny.

**Benze**: Don't pity him. He started to chew on my hand again.

**Mr. Benz**: You're just so tasty!

**Benze**: You sound like Edward… I think. Isn't that what he's always saying?

**Ed**: Huh?

**Benze**: Not you, the one from Twilight.

**Ed**: I don't wanna have the same name as some damn sparkly-vampire-doof-head everyone's hyping about!

**Benze**: Doof-head?

**Ed**: …

**Shadow**: Uh… I think the words 'idiot'. #pulls out flamethrower and flames Mr. Benz# Fear the Flames! This is for hurting my friend!

**Mr. Benz**: Nuuuuuuu!

**Benze**: :-/

**Mr. Benz**: *pokes healing burns* Benze-chan~! She's bullying me!

**Benze**: …

**Mr. Benze**: *sniffs and shoots evil glare at Shadow*

**Benze**: I guess we should call it a draw, okay? Otherwise you two will end up killing each other.

**Ed**: *mutters in-audible curses*

**Benze**: What was that?

**Ed**: Dont Kanye me, or I'll Chris Brown you and Tiger Woods your mother!

**Mr. Benz**: How does he know about those guys? He's from 1914 of a fictional universe.

**Ed**: I exist in Benze-san's imagination, so I share what she knows… stupid.

**Benze**: Oh, I see :D.

**Shadow**: Who? ^^ Don't know them.

**Ed**: Is she serious or is she joking? Noticing sarcasm over internet can be hard.

**Benze**: I'm not sure…

**Mr. Benz**: How can she not know Kanye West, Chris Brown and Tiger Woods? It's not like their not famous enough.

**Shadow**: Serious, deadly serious. Who're they?

**Mr. Benz**: I think she really means it…

**Benze**: Well… umm… Kanye West is a douchebag-rapper, Chris Brown is female-batting rapper and Tiger Woods is a cheating golf player.

**Shadow**: Ah… Yeah, I was being serious. ^^'

**Mr. Benz**: I'm a bunny and I know at least Chris Brown.

**Benze**: Kanye West is a douche for jumping onto the stage of VMAs while Taylor Swift was receiving her first award, saying Beyonce was much better, Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, then went to jail (I think) and Tiger Woods has been in the news a while ago, cause he cheated on his wife with countless women.

**Shadow**: I'm a social recluse, leave me alone! D:

**Mr. Benz**: She really was serious…

**Benze**: All three of them were all over the news… Seems she neither reads the newspapers or watches TV.

**Mr. Benz**: You too.

**Benze**: Shut up!

**Shadow**: Nope, I read/watch neither. :P

**Benze**: I'm in the internet all day and sometimes watch the news and nothing else.

* * *

Lemon Trees rule! Those that oppose the reign of Lemonness shall feel the wrath of the all-mighty lemon-god! I'm kinda obsessed with lemons for a while now…

At Anie-chan: Nah, I won't change the rating. Parts of the last chapter were censored cause I didn't want to change the rating. Too damn lazy to write out Ed and Envy ****** and ******* Matsuda ;D.

Benze ;P


	7. Lemoness And How To Kill Zombie Feathers

Hmm… no disclaimers this time.

* * *

Chapter VII  
– Lemoness And  
How To Kill Zombie Feathers –

Today's deal: Umm… We talked about the drawing I was colouring and afterwards zombie feathers started to poke me.

**Benze**: *mutters* Stupid layers messing up all my colours and making colours appear at spots I don't want them to be…

**Shadow**: Pfft. #hiding laughter#

**Benze**: *mutters more curses* Che, laughing at me like some loony. WTF? I'm turning into Mr. Benz!

**Mr. Benz**: Hah?

**Shadow**: Oo' #edges away while phoning therapist# Help! My friend's being taken over by a mad bunny! DX

**Benze**: You fuckin' bunny messed with my brain again!

**Mr. Benz**: Didn't.

**Benze**: Doch!

**Mr. Benz**: You've watched too much 07-Ghost today. Was a bad idea starting to watch that.

**Benze**: It didn't brain-wash me into acting like you!

**Mr. Benz**: Meh…

**Shadow**: Thanks. #hangs up# They asked if you're like me, I said 'yes' and they hung up screaming. Oo' T_T I'm lonely…

**Mr. Benz**: *voice muffled by huge lemon in his mouth*

**Benze**: He… Hehe… Mwahahahahah! *whacks bunny for no real reason* Obey me, my lemons! Together we shall take over and let this world be ruled by lemonness! *hysterically evil laughter*

**Shadow**: #phones back doctor# She's worse than me.

**Phone**: #numerous screams are heard followed by a window breaking and pleas for mercy#

**Shadow**: You have an appointment tomorrow.

**Benze**: *rubs hands* Excellent just as planned. Now come my little lemons. Come and we shall subdue this lowly race of humans. They all shall become lemons! Mwahahahaha!

**Shadow**: You can't harm me, I'm protected by Ed and Envy and Light and Kai :P. And L with his mind powers! He's ran by cake ya know! XD

**Benze**: Lemons… Lemons… Lemons…

**Shadow**: I'm late! They have coke and pancakes! :D

– _some time later –_

**Shadow**: Back! :3 #holds up plate of pancakes# My therepist's awesome. Wanna go see him? You'll forget about wanting to take over the world and making everyone lemons instantly. I did when I was planning to make a group hell bent on making flying horses. #ignores conviniant blue prints stating otherwise#

**Benze**: Lemons… *munching on lemons*. I really eat lemons. Not just poke around, but really take bites *drools*. Lemons…

**Shadow**: Okay, lemons are kinda tasty in small doses. :P Like black coffee.

**Benze**: I'd eat tons of lemons if I could. I don't mind the sour taste, I like it. Some people like extremely spicy food (me too) and I like sour stuff. Coffee… I can't drink it withouth putting tones of sugar in it. It's too bitter. Don't say that's because I'm still young! I drink beer and don't mind it! German?

* * *

**Shadow**: I'd feel pity for the kid tripping over the feathers _(A/N: This is about a story Shadow is writing and I can't explain to you what exactly this means, since it's __confidential information)_. Seriously, during the breeding season the bird flies everywhere and then rips off the feathers afterwards! D:

**Benze**: Yeah, I heard of that. Kinda reminds me of frustrated people ripping out hair… Not good.

**Shadow**: Meh, he can't rip them out though. :3 Much to his annoyance.

**Benze**: Nuuuuz, the feather pock me! I wanna ripp tem out an kill em slohly. XD

**Shadow**: How can you kill feathers? :3

**Benze**: I don knohs… Pock em until they died.

**Shadow**: The feathers are actually zombies that can't die.

**Benze**: *throws bombs at heads of feathers and burns them in pile* Burrn fethas, burrn.

**Shadow**: Fire doesn't affect them! #feathers wriggle maddly# Wait… feathers have heads?

**Benze**: It does: wiki .answers. com /Q/How_do_you_kill_zombies. And of course feathers have heads! If they're zombies then they have to have heads.

**Shadow**: They're fire proof!

**Benze**: Zombies just aren't fire proof.

**Shadow**: These one's are :P. Genetically modified by scientists who wanted to make perfect soldiers. Ended up making fire-proof, zombie feathers. I was there. I saw. ¬¬

**Benze**: Ummm… *freezes feathers* Watz now?

**Shadow**: #smashes them with a hammer# Done.

**Benze**: Did they died? Yez, they died.

**Shadow**: Yes they died. =_= Finally.

**Benze**: *relieved* What's next? Human-eating apples?

* * *

And I'm saying it! Lemoness will one day rule this world! Those that disobey its reign will feel the wrath of the all-mighty lemon god! Mwahahahahahahahahah!


	8. War of The Allmighty OC's

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters. Both belongs to Arakawa Hiromu.

I don't own Detective Conan or any of its characters. Both belongs to Aoyama Gōshō.

Warning: This chapter contains randomness.

* * *

Chapter VIII  
– War of The Allmighty OC's –

What's today's deal? Hmmm… Well, **SinfulNekoRose** left a review to my story Predisposed to Pain And Bliss…

**NekoRose**: *dies of fangasm*

**Benze**: Don't die on me! D:

**NekoRose**:*spontaneously comes back to life*

**Benze**: Yayz! XD

**NekoRose**: *does the dance of life*

**Benze**:*turns on music* Weeee!

**NekoRose**:*throws a cat at Benze*

**Al**: Noooo, not the kitty! D:

**Benze**: *throws lemons and fish at NekoRose*

**Kaito**: EEEEEEP!

**NekoRose**:Zomfg, lemons! *eats the lemons*

**Benze**: Grrrr! *throws Gülle at NekoRose* Hehe…

**NekoRose**: *throws Envy at Benze*

**Envy**: What the fuck? D:

**Mr. Benz**: WTF? Does she even know what Gülle is? And why the hell did you throw something like that at her?

**Benze**: *catches Envy* Don't think she knows what Gülle is and I threw it at her cause most people would run around screaming and then collapse.

**Mr. Benz**: You're evil…

**Benze**: *grins* I know. *throws Alphonse at you*

**NekoRose**: … o3o? *gets hit with Alphonse* D:

**Al**: Ed, she threw me and it hurt! DX

**Ed**: *goes all super hero and attacks you*

**Benze**: *trips the chibi* Was that one of the sieben Zwerge?

**Ed**: You're barely taller than me!

**Mr. Benz**: Meh…

**Benze**: Benz… do something. This Ed is more annoying that mine from TAoB.

**Mr. Benz**: *grins then grabs Ed and drags him away*

**Benze**: Don't go too hard on him!

**NekoRose**: e_e Okay then…

**Envy**: D: My chibi! *goes ape shit on Benze*

**NekoRose**: e_e

**Benze**: Mac-tan!

**Mac-tan**: *creates protective barrier*

**Envy**: *shit hits barrier* _(Note: … 0.o or something like that)_

**Mac-tan**: It's kinda unfair how you summon up your whole team, Benze-chan.

**Benze**: I don't really care. After all, she summons people from FMA and lets Envy ape-shit on me.

**Mac-tan**: True…

**NekoRose**: *shrugs and is lazy* :P My OC is boring and therefore I won't use it… and will use FMA people. :P

**Envy**: You should be sloth.

**NekoRose**: I know.

**Envy**: *continues going ape shit*

**Benze**: He's still ape-shitting the barrier… What a useless clutz.

**Mr. Benz**: You've watched to much Black Butler.

**Benze**: Yeah. London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady.

**Mr. Benz**: See!

**Benze**: I don't care. You're a mere pawn, so stop babbling nonsense.

**Mr. Benz**: You're babbling nonsense! And this guy is fucking annoying! *walks out of barrier and rips Envy to shreds* Still not satisfied! *eyes NekoRose* Kitty!

**NekoRose**: Nyoro~n? Candy? :D

**OC**: *pops up* You are a hopeless idiot. U.U'

**Mr. Benz**: What the hell is she talking about? Baka Neko.

**Benze**: Don't be rude, bakayarou usagi!

**Mr. Benz**: You're being much ruder.

**Benze**: I'm not your enemy! She is! So get the fuck your lazy ass up and beat the crap out of her weird OC!

**Mr. Benz**: Yes, my lord. *runs off*

**Fumetsu** **(the OC)**: As long as I have my powers, you can't touch me. :P

**NekoRose**: Yay! Go Fumetsu! ^_^

**Mr. Benz**: Hehe. Can't touch him, huh? *creates psionic link to Fumetsu's mind and overloads him with mental pain*

**Benze**: How did you learn how to do a psionic blast?

**Mr. Benz**: You don't want to know, believe me.

**NekoRose**: Fumetsu's a girl. o3o

**Fumetsu**: *bends time back a few moments so that that never happened*

**NekoRose**: What the fuck is a psionic blast? -3-

**Mr. Benz**: A girl? Nah, I'll beat her up again! *psionic blast*

**Benze**: A psionic blast is the ability to overload another's mind causing pain, memory loss, lack of consciousness, vegetative state or death after having created a psionic (telepathic) link into that individual's mind. Didn't know Benz could actually do that.

**Mr. Benz**: I can do that over and over again. I still have that other thing up my sleeve–

**Benze**: Don't! That would be just utterly unfair, Benz! That's something we'll only use in an emergency and not in something jokingly like this.

**Mr. Benz**: Okay!

**Fumetsu**: *yawn* I can control space and time. *distorts the psychic field around her to knock the blast away*

**NekoRose**: My, my, that's something.

**Fumetsu**: Shut up, you don't even know what they're talking about.

**NekoRose**: I do too! D: You're such an asshole, Fumetsu!

**Mr. Benz**: It's kinda boring shooting this at her. Can't I use my–

**Benze**: No!

**Mr. Benz**: But it's–

**Benze**: No, we wont use that!

**Mr. Benz**: Fine. Hey, wait. She can't just knock my blast away. It's not even a real blast, but a link to her mind. I'm already in her brain! *manipulates Fumetsu's brain* See! I can make her hit herself, hehe.

**NekoRose**: Fumetsu, what're they talking about?

**Fumetsu**: You honestly think I know. And you, *points at Mr. Benz*, I control everything. Space, time, psychic matter, dark matter, holy matter, everything. Nothing can get through me unless I will it. I can block out everything that tries to get through my psych by altering the type of matter it uses, and everything uses matter, even psychic powers.

**NekoRose**: *brain just died* I thought he tried to hit you, not me. :/

**Benze**: This is useless if we both have characters that are somewhat allmighty.

**Mr. Benz**: I can use my–

**Benze**: I said NO!

**Mr. Benz**: I'm sick of this! This Fumetsu thinks she could block all my attacks! Pft, she hasn't attacked me at all. She was busy blocking my attacks with some allmighty power. I could easily–

**Benze**: Benz! This is a final order! Don't use that power! You won't use it when there isn't any other way! This is just for fun, so there's no need for THAT!

**Mr. Benz**: *fuming* I so wanna beat the crap out of this Fumetsu!

**Benze**: Let's just call it a draw, okay?

**Fumetsu**: I have to agree with that one.

**NekoRose**: But you never attacked him! D:

**Fumetsu**: I don't attack unless absolutely necessary.

**NekoRose**: *sigh* Alright, let's call it a draw because Fumetsu's being a lazy-ass. -3-

**Fumetsu**: *slaps me*

**NekoRose**: D:

**Mr. Benz**: Her own partner slaps her?

**Benze**: That's just wrong… But when you first appeared you were biting me all the time.

**Mr. Benz**: Hey! I was newborn, so I wasn't in my right mind, okay!

**Benze**: Fine, fine.

**NekoRose**: Oh, she's an ass like that. But it's okay. :D Because I'm dumb, so we make a dumbass! :D

**Fumetsu**: *facepalm*

**Benze**: That's just hilarious!

**Mr. Benz**: Not!

**Benze**: I sense foreign languages on their way…

**Mr. Benz**: Ajo është si të trullosur si buka dhe ju e dini se!

**Benze**: So it's Albanian this time.

**Mr. Benz**: Shut i fyny!

**Benze**: Welsh.

**Mr. Benz**: Merde!

* * *

Does anyone want to know what 'Gülle' and 'die sieben Zwerge' are? Yeah? Then google it, lazy ass…


	9. Let's Kill The Sparkly Vampire! – Part 1

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters. Both belongs to Arakawa Hiromu.

I don't own DGM or any of its characters. Both belongs to Hoshino Katsura.

And I _definitely_ do not own Chuck Norris.

Warning: This chapter contains randomness.

* * *

Chapter IX  
– Let's Kill The Sparkly Vampire! –  
Part I

Let's see… This chapter's deal: I talked to Shadow about an OC in her story. He's mute and… well… yeah… See for yourself:

**Shadow**: We don't learn about mutism in psychology. Nothing I learn in Psychology can be linked to this fic. :( My teacher read chapter one of it and said Noah was a right bitch. I was proud.

**Benze**: Wikipedia? Google? Library? Lemon?

**Shadow**: Wth?

**Benze**: LEMONS! NYAHAHAHAHAH!

**Shadow**: LEMONS! TIME TO CONQUER JAPAN AND MAKE AN AWESOME ANIME!

**Benze**: :DDDDD We'll start with squashing all oranges! MWAHAHAHAHAH!

**Shadow**: But I like oranges. T_T

**Benze**: Hmmm… Kumquats then?

**Shadow**: How about Tomatos? They're icky.

**Benze**: Kill zi tomeitoes!

**Shadow**: DOLPHIN PUNCH! #punches tomato#

**Benze**: Meh… LEMON PUNCH! *throws random lemons at tomatos* Heheheh… now they're all squished.

**Zombie Tomato**: Brainz… #insert toothy 'I'll eat you' look'#

**Shadow**: Eek. ENVY! #hides#

**Envy**: Oh hell no, bitch! I'm not re-dying for you! #storms off#

**Shadow**: T_T

**Benze**: *freezes tomato then whacks it with a hammer* Done.

**Mr. Benz**: What happened to your randomness?

**Benze**: I used it all up on deviantART talking to people.

**Mr. Benz**: You can run out of randomness?

**Benze**: No.

**Mr. Benz**: Wha–

**Benze**: Falcon Bitch Slap! *whacks bunny*

**Mr. Benz**: That's it! No more -Man: The Abridged Series for you! Quoting random gay akuma is not funny!

**Benze**:: Meh…

**Shadow**: Oo' NOOO! YOUR RANDOMNESS! T_T #summons Noah#

**Noah**: ¬¬ What? Busy here.

**Shadow**: But–

**Noah**: #storms off#

**Shadow**: I'm always being abandoned…

**Benze**: *drags Noah back and whacks her with a toilet bowl*

**Mr. Benz**: *eyes unconscious Noah* Are you serious? You knocked her out with a toilet? It's been lemons for a while and now it's toilets? What the fuck is wrong with you?

**Benze**: I'm suffering from ADD, an over-creative phantasy and randomness.

**Mr. Benz**: I know! That doesn't justify knocking out other people's OC's like that!

**Benze**: Meh…

**Mr. Benz**: Don't answer fucking 'Meh' to everything I say!

**Benze**: Bäh…

**Mr. Benz**: *eyebrow twitches*

**Benze**: You'll die of a heart attack, I tell ya.

**Noah**: #Sits up# OKAY! WHO THE FU–

**Shadow:** #Rehits#

**Noah**: #X_x#

**Shadow:** XD I know she's my OC but damn that was funny!

**Jason **_(– A/N: Who's he?)_: NOO! NOAH! #steals bottle of beer poking out of her pocket#

**Noah**: ¬¬ I saw that. #hits Jason… _hard_#

**Shadow**: Damn, I really made her a bitch.

**Mr. Benz**: She didn't notice who hit her?

**Benze**: Seems so.

**Mr. Benz**: Even though you yelled 'I want to hide Lavi in my closet'?

**Benze**: Guess so.

**Mr. Benz**: Do you ever say any intelligent things these days?

**Benze**: Nope.

**Shadow:** She's a bit slow isn't she?

**Noah**: *_* #holds up mallet#

**Shadow:** Eek. Oh no. Help. #monotone voice#

**Noah**: #smirk# Let's kill that sparkly vampire I saw coming. Edward something.

**Shadow:** I'M IN!

**Mr. Benz**: Yeah! Let's join forces and kick that guy in his sparkly ass!

**Benze**: Why is my Photoshop so slow? D:

**Mr. Benz**: You did something to it.

**Benze**: I didn't! Now that I almost finished that cute picture of Allen and Lavi!

**Mr. Benz**: Yaoi?

**Benze**: Not at all.

**Mr. Benz**: Are they chibis?

**Benze**: No! Children!

**Mr. Benz**: You're such an otaku. *grabs torture instruments to hunt down Edward*

**Benze**: I know. *grabs pitchfork to slice Edward*

**Edward**: #sparkles pathetically# I have no emotion. - -

**Shadow**: CHARGE! #waves pitchfork#

**Envy**: NO MAN SHALL BE CUTER THAN ME!

**Shadow**: Dude… what?

**Edward**: My face is too pumped up with botox, so all I can do is scowl.

**Benze**: Attack! *rams pitchfork towards Edward and rips off his hair*

**Mr. Benz**: BLOOD! *nom nom nom* Ugh, vampire blood. Tastes as if it's expired.

**The Master**: Hmmm… #locks Bella in The Room# Let's see how good her blood is. :)

**Shadow**: NO! IT'LL POISON YOU!

**Noah**: Fine by me. My blood will be safe.

**Benze**: *poking bald and bleeding Edward* Nyahaha hahahaha mwahahahah!

**Mr. Benz**: Now that's creepy…

**Shadow**: #bashes Edward's head in with a hammer# DIE DIE DIE! YOU PANSY ASSED SPARKLY FAKE VAMPIRE!

**Benze**: Nyahahahahaha! It's so fun beating up immortal guys! *laughs like a maniac while ramming poisoned spears into Edward's neck.

**Mr. Benz**: Meh, this is boring when he doesn't scream or anything. Guess I'll make use of my psychic abilities again. *creates connection to Edward's mind*

**Benze**: Don't tell me you're going to–

**Edward**: *pwned* OMG, why are there pictures of gay werewolves popping up in my mind? D:

**Mr. Benz + Benze**: Mwahahahaha nyhahaha hahahahah!

**Shadow**: DUDE! GAY WEREWOLVES RULE! YOU ON THE OTHER HAND NEED TO DIE!

**Benze**: Are you homophob, Edward Cullen?

**Edward**: N-No, it's just–

**Mr. Benz**: Then what's your problem?

**Edward**: I just don't like wer–

**Benze**: So you ARE homophob!

**Edward**: Could you let me–

**Mr. Benz**: Now he's even demanding!

**Edward**: *mental breakdown*

**Bella**: NOO!

**Shadow**: #hits Bella# Shut up.

**Bella**: #T_T# Save me Edward!

**Shadow**: #Re-hits#

**Edward**: Fuck off bitch! I'm busy!

**Shadow**: … #hits Edward with mallet# DIE, DIE, DIE!

**Bella**: Edward, make me a vampire, so I can help!

**Edward**: I can't! I don't want to taint your–

**Benze**: Argh! *beats up vampire with shovel* Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE! Why won't you die?

**Edward**: *creepy voice* I'll never die.

**Shadow**: AAAAAAAH! CREEPY VAMPIRE PIMP! #bashes Edward with a cane#

**Edward**: Wai– OW! I'm Not– OUCH! A PIMP! OW OW OW OW!

**Roy**: I got a call. Something about a sparkly vampire in the neighborhood?

**Shadow**: KILL HIM! #throws Roy a shovel# It's a gay sparkly vampire and his hoe!

**Bella**: I'm not a Whore!

**Roy**: #shoots Bella twitching#

**Benze**: *whacks vampire with shovel again* !

**Mr. Benz**: Now that was one loud yell… Are you really a fifteen-year old girl?

**Benze**: Shaddup an' help me, you damn lazy bunny! Didn't you create a link to his fucking mind? Screw him!

**Mr. Benz**: Ummm… okay… *overloads Edward's mind with pictures of sandwiches… with two gay werewolves and Bella in the middle*

**Edward**: No! Argh! The pain! It's so–

**Mustang**: *sends bad-ass alchemical flames at vampire* Why won't you die?

**Edward**: *creepy voice* I'll never die.

**Shadow**: I know! #pulls out garlic#

**Everyone**: ...

**Shadow**: :3

**Edward**: You _are_ aware that that won't kill me, right?

**Shadow**: Really? Then you aren't a real vampire. #gasp# YOU'RE A FAKE!

**Edward**: Wait!

**Shadow**: #summons... CHUCK NORRIS!#

**Chuck**: Actually, I'm Envy dressing up for holloween. Like?

**Shadow**: DAMN YOU, ENVY!

**Envy**: #grins#

**Benze**: *rofl*

**Mr. Benz**: Now you did it, Neko-chan… No wait! Shadow-chan! No… Kitty-chan! Yeah, that suits you.

**Benze**: *serious face* I'll kill you for sure! *rips apart Edward with bare hands then burns limbs*

**Mr. Benz**: Uhh… umm… ahh… you ARE human, right?

**Benze**: Nyahahahahaha! Lemons!

**Shadow**: #Hitting Envy on head repeatedly with Edward's arm.# Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!

**Envy**: STOP HITTING ME!

**Shadow**: I need someone to kill the stinkin' vampire! He said he was cuter than you!

**Envy**: … #turns to Edward# … #*_*# Oh, did he now?

**Mr. Benz**: That arm's burning, you know.

**Benze**: Nah, it's Shadow. She can handle being burned.

**Mr. Benz**: You both aren't human.

**Benze**: Meh… *whacks Envy*

**Envy**: What the hell was that for?

**Benze**: For molesting Ed in TAoB.

**Envy**: You wrote it!

**Benze**: And? I wasn't the one to grab Ed's dic–

**Envy**: *puts hands on Benze's mouth* I never did something like that, you… you… perverted yaoi-fangirl!

**Benze**: *shrugs and scribbles something on paper* – _on paper_: link to chapter nine of The Art of Breaking –

**Envy**: Noooooo! *grabs paper and swallows it*

**Mr. Benz**: My, my, someone is shy today.

**Envy**: Shut up!

**Shadow**: Oi! I'm busy hurting Envy… Nah. #ties up Edward and begins to put swords through his head.#

**Edward**: I… won't… die!

**Shadow**: You are aware you're just causing yourself more pain, right?

**Benze**: Moooooshi, moshi.

**Mr. Benz**: What's wrong with you?

**Benze**: Määääääääääääääääähdrescher.

**Mr. Benz**: What the fu–

**Benze**: *turns on Mähdrescher and shoves it in Edward's face (which is separated from the rest of his body)* Hihi…

**Edward**: *face gets mowed away*

**Benze**: Hihi…

**Mr. Benz**: O_O

**Shadow**: #laughing at Edward's dead mutilated body#

**Envy**: #being shot at by Roy and tapdancing#

**Roy**: Stop dancing, dammit!

**Shadow**: #laughes harder#

**Benze**: *kackling like a mad scientist*

**Mr. Benz**: What's so funny?

**Benze**: Edward's face is slushy now.

**Mr. Benz**: And?

**Benze**: Nyahahahahahaha!

**Mr. Benz**: O_O

**Shadow**: #pokes# Yeah, he's dead.

**Envy**: #stops dancing# Yay! I'm alive!

**Roy**: #out of bullets#

**Benze**: Then is this the end?

**Mr. Benz**: Guess gay werewolves would finish anyone off… Of course the burning and mowing helped a little.

**Benze**: Yup, yup.

**Shadow**: #sticks victory flag in Edward's back# :3 WE WIN! Mwahahaha...

**Benze**: With our forces combined we'll always win! :D

* * *

This convo actually still goes on, but I thought it was too long, so I'll upload part two to this tomorrow. ^^

Benze ;P


	10. Let's Kill The Sparkly Vampire! – Part 2

I don't own DGM or any of its characters. Both belongs to Hoshino Katsura.

Warning: This chapter contains randomness.

* * *

Chapter X  
– Let's Kill The Sparkly Vampire! –  
Part II

The deal: Yeah… continuation of what happened in the previous chapter:

**Shadow**: Kanda-Allen-Caramell-Dansen-Attack!

**Envy**: Fights over.

**Shadow**: And?

**Allen**: I don't wanna dance with Kanda!

**Kanda**: Me neither. Who would want to dance with a beansprout anyway?

**Allen**: My name's 'Allen', BaKanda!

**Kanda**: What did you call me?

**Lavi**: Now, now, no need to go fighting again.

**Kanda**: You shut up, idiot rabbit!

**Benze**: Here they go again.

**Shadow**: Because it's damn funny. Also, to celebrate Roy Mustang's death in my fic. ^^

**Roy**: I died?

**Shadow**: Had to be done mate.

**Roy**: T_T

**Allen**: Now that's not nice.

**Kanda**: Whatever he did, he probably deserved it anyway.

**Lavi**: Yuu~ don't be so cold to our mates from a different anime slash manga.

**Kanda**: Che.

**Benze**: Why do people like you anyway, Kanda?

**Kanda**: How should I know? I don't care.

**Benze**: Just what do all your fangirls see in you? Sure, you are an awesome character, but you're…

**Allen**: An ass.

**Benze**: Well um–

**Mugen**: Mugen, Unsheate, Innocence Activate!

**Shadow**: Kanda's awesome, is all. I've only seen Lavi once in the anime so I don't really care about him all that much. No offence to you, dude. I just don't know you all that well.

**Ed**: Be glad, she has a habit of being a bitch to those she hates and obsessing over those she likes.

**Envy**: Yup.

**Shadow**: Meanies.

**Lavi**: As long as I have my bean sprout I don't really care.

**Allen**: My name's 'Allen'!

**Benze**: No one cares. Once you got a nickname, no one will call you by your real name. Happened to me and I hated it. I would've been glad about a nickname like 'bean sprout'. Mine could be one of the worst nicknames you can get.

**Mr. Benz**: Yup, yup. It's been really bad. She's not overexaggerating. Gladly though, no one in her new class knows her nickname, besides one.

**Benze**: But I'm not reacting to it, never again. Unless they don't call me by my name or a different nickname, I won't react. Wait. What? She's obsessing over those she likes? O.O

**Mr. Benz**: No one would be obsessed over you.

**Benze**: Shut up. You're imaginary.

**Shadow**: That's mainly anime stuff, I'm mostly detached from the real world. (Apparently… How's that possible?)

**Ed**: Yeah. Still don't get how that works.

**Roy**: YOU KILLED ME!

**Shadow**: I hate you. Always have.

**Envy**: Mr Benz is imaginary? I thought you had a pet rabbit called that.

**Mr. Benz**: Who's a fucking pet?

**Benze**: He's an imaginary Plot Bunny that appeared when I first started writing fanfiction. He bugged me a lot when I was still writing my first stories and I ended up writing about four One Shots in only one and a half week. Now I tamed him though.

**Mr. Benz**: I'm not a pet, I'm not a bunny and I'm definitely not a fluffy and cute mate to fucking play with!

**Benze**: *picks up Benz and cuddles him* Omai wa baka desu!

**Mr. Benz**: Let go of me! I have damn fangs!

**Benze**: Baka, baka!

**Mr. Benz**: Korosu! D:

**Benze**: O.O… Kawaii!

**Mr. Benz**: I'm not cute, I'm angry!

**Shadow**: I need a pet… ¬¬ #looks at lemon#

**Lemon**: #runs#

**Shadow**: TT_TT Baka Usagi.

**Mr. Benz**: Did she just call the lemon a stupid rabbit?

**Benze**: She meant you.

**Mr. Benz**: WTF?

**Shadow**: I need a pet. #summons king cobra# SNAKE! :D

**Envy**: She didn't.

**Ed**: She did.

**Envy**: CHIBI-CHAN! :D #glomps#

**Benze**: O.O Raaaaaaaaandom. *glomps Mac-tan* I love you!

**Mac-tan**: *pats* I love you too… Now get off of Key-chan!

**Benze**: Sorry.

**Key-chan**: *beeps*

**Shadow**: #hugs Key-chan for a laugh#

**Envy**: #stripping Ed#

**Shadow**: … #OO!# Envy! No rape!

**Envy**: It's not rape if he wants it. #gags struggling shrimp#

**Benze**: Okay, okay, okay! Meeeeeeh! I'm crazy cause I'm getting excited over Envy stripping Ed! O.O

**Mr. Benz**: You're a pervert.

**Benze**: DONG!

**Mr. Benz**: What was that for?

**Benze**: DOOONG!

**Shadow**: That's rape, dumb dumb.

**Envy**: You bring me gum gum, dumb dumb?

**Shadow**: You watched 'Night at the Museum'?

**Envy**: Twice. Now bugger off. #kissing Ed#

**Ed**: #moans into kiss before beginning to struggle again#

**Shadow**: OO' I need popcorn.

**Benze**: If I were more frail, I'd have a nose bleed now…

**Mr. Benz**: Meh…

**Benze**: Meeeh… tired. *falls asleep*

**Mr. Benz**: Boring. *drags off Benze*

**Shadow**: #gives up and leaves Ed to his fate.#

**Ed**: Help! #silenced by Envy#

* * *

**Shadow**: ~I booked a hotel and bought a ticket for the London expo! :D :D :D :D :D Cosplay here I come! :D

**Benze**: Woot! XD

**Shadow**: I know! Nan's paying for the hotel for my eightenth birthday! Free hotel ftw!

**Benze**: Yay! :D *throws cake in your face for celebration*

**Shadow**: #wipes cake off of face twitching# Yeah, this is a long one me thinks.

* * *

Uh huh… Well… hmm… We're both random and crazy… and obsessed with yaoi… and lemons… and lots of other stuff I don't want to count up :P.

Benze ;P


End file.
